I don't have to wait until the end of the month. I move to day shift this Sunday. This is all happening so fast. I patiently waited so long for this, hard to believe it's real.
I have a hard time believing anything positive can happen in my life. It's like I exceeded my quota such a long time ago.
I miss a certain friend. Does anyone want to see Strangers With Candy
with me at the Parkway
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This isn't a rant, these are just my observations. Not intended to offend anyone.
I went to clubs for years when I was younger but then stopped for a while. I was with Kristine for seven years and during that time we very rarely went to clubs. It has been just over a year since I started going again. The scene is very different than the way I remember it.
It seems that in the scene polyamory is the default. I had never heard of polyamory until after Kristine and I got together. It struck me as odd that people found identity in it.
There was a short period in my own life where I was seeing a few different girls but wasn't really interested in being in an exclusive relationship. Then I quit using speed and I went back to being in a relationship with one person.
I am actually ok with seeing someone who sees other people. I just need to know this going into it. What I don't like is having it dropped on me after I have been seeing someone for a few months. I need to know from day one. It needs to be my choice. I don't like being tricked or lied to.
I also don't think I could stay in a "seeing other people" situation very long, I think I would lose interest very quickly. It's just not my preference.
I only have one experience seeing someone who was already involved with someone else. I met her at Roderick's Chamber and we started seeing each other. I had been staying over at her place and she had been staying over at mine for about a month when she told me she had a boyfriend. She said she wasn't going to tell him about us. I wasn't very comfortable with this. I wasn't being dishonest to anyone in my life but she was. I felt like I was being a party to her dishonesty. A few weeks later she told me that she told her boyfriend that she was seeing other people. This made me feel a little better, that I wasn't doing anything wrong. A few weeks after that she told me she was considering ending things with her boyfriend but wanted to know if she did if I would see her exclusively. I told her not to break up with her boyfriend. I had enough and stopped hanging out with her altogether.
I'm having a difficult time understanding the relationships of other people. For example on MySpace I see profiles of people who I know are in a relationship that list their status as single. Or they list that they are in a relationship but they are "here for" dating and/or serious relationships. Does that mean they are attached and looking for something better or just looking for something on the side? I am really confused.
I feel like an alien that just stepped out of a spaceship.
I have met a lot of people in the last year, more than I thought I would. I am a painfully shy person and I have never been able to really overcome it. I really like every person I have met but I just don't feel like I have much of a connection with anyone. I have met people that I share some interest in music with, but that is about it.
Some people really seem to thrive in the scene. Some even experience a feeling of family. I have never had that. I feel like a shadow most of the time. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just trying to accept things as they are.
Had a lot more to say, but I'm feeling sleepy. Goodnight.
Music: China My China - Eno, Brian